ashamed and embarrassed
A year and a half ago I was introduced to some guy whom I thought was heaven sent, he told me everything I wanted to hear. He was too good to be true. Less than 2 weeks of dating he decided we should get married, as I was the missing rib that he had been searching for. Overwhelmed and smitten by this calculating, callous, manipulative and convincing guy I was hooked
When I met him he slept on the floor of his brothers one bedroom apartment in Hilbrow, he literally only owned a pair of hard boot and a pair of white sneakers.
He was so unexposed, that I as a liberated and sophisticated lady decided to flew him Cape Town, and to book us into a hotel. It was his first time experiencing such, as he came from unexposed, rural environment. I had to civilize him to be on par with my upbringing.
He had me so hooked to the extent that in September 2009 I was convinced to make a personal loan at work and accompany him to meet his folks, and obtain a fraudulent police clearance and non marriage certificate in Zimbabwe simultaneously.
Furthermore I was manipulated and convinced to pay my own Lobola, which was never completed. The said guy then rushed to Home Affairs to make a booking for us to get married. When I mentioned the issue of completing Lobola, he asked me was I for sale. I should not allow my family to demand Lobola as it meant they wanted to get rid of me, and that he loved me, I then lied to my family regarding the balance of the Lobola payment.
This guy was so desperate that he relentlesslykept on going to Home affairs to secure a court date; He eventually managed to secure a date on the day when his fraudulent work permit/visa was expiring. The Marriage Officiator actually advised us that officiating the said marriage was incorrect as it appeared to be a desperate marriage. He convinced her that he was in love with me.
Immediately after signing he and his brother rushed to Germiston offices to go and apply for a spouse’s accompanying visa. We never had a lunch or supper as families would normally do to celebrate the union of the two families, neither did we have a honeymoon.
Less than a month of marriage he started changing. He was cold, unresponsive and showed no emotion, he wouldn’t talk to me for days on end. On the 19th December 09 he disappeared without informing me. I was stressed to the core thinking that something sinister could have befallen him. He never bothered to call me. His family was also reluctant to provide me with his whereabouts, until my mom called his sister who informed that he had gone to Zim.
On his return his was like a wet duck, apologetic and begging for forgiveness. Confused and infatuated I forgive him but things only got worst. As time progressed I noticed that this guy had deep seated anger in him. Unfortunately I happened to be the victim for him to let out his frustration. To the world outside he was the perfect gentleman but behind closed doors he was a monster.
A few months later I fell pregnant, and because of emotional and physical abuse I suffered a miscarriage. In the midst of my excruciating pain, I asked him to please take me to the hospital, he simply said he was tired and went back to bed, I almost died, I remember jumping into the bath in tears dressing and driving myself to the hospital.
The abuse continued; in fact it worsened driving me to an extent of finding solace in drinking alcohol. The main effect of this violence was that I started to change, I stopped being myself. I would avoid any conversation and social gathering with friends and family; I didn't look at or talk to other men. On several occasions when questioned about the bruises I would lie and say that I had bumped myself against and object this in an effort to conceal the abuse. I was ashamed and embarrassed.
He magnified my insecurities and my flaws he belittled embarrassed and humiliated me. I think I stayed in that relationship because I didn’t love myself. I didn’t respect myself. And I didn’t think that I was worthy of a better kind of relationship. I didn’t think that I was worthy to be loved. There were lots of times that he didn’t show respect and he oftentimes, took advantage of my generosity. But I stayed because I was afraid of not having someone.
His emotional abuse caused so much pain not only toward me but towards my daughter as well. His coldness, arrogance, hostility, anger and harshness was not the ideal setting to rise a little girl in, she started becoming aggressive, she fought for everything, crying and been resentful. I couldn’t see my daughter suffer in the hands of this man. What kind of a mother would I be? Stuck and isolated I did what I thought best.
The abuse wasn’t only emotional and physically it was financially too. When I met him all my debts totaled about R95, 000.00 (ninety five thousand), now I’m over indebted by almost R400, 000.00 (four hundred thousand). I trusted him to take care of me. I trusted that when times would get tough, he would be there for me and not take advantage of my generosity. But he did. The bustard took advantage.
Throughout our courtship with him I suffered emotionally and physical abuse. I remember March 2010 where he tried to forcefully engage in sexual activities with me, I bled in fact I bled profusely, and unending because of the force. Know I know who a rape victim feels like. He hurt me.
I felt bitter and betrayed toward the people that had introduced us as they knew that I was vulnerable at the time. He used me to obtain papers, but I cannot understand is why subject me to so much hurt so much abuse?
I decided I had enough and I walked out, I left and decided I deserve better, I can’t live my life in fear. He messed me up! My whole life has fallen apart. I left my fiancé, home to be subject to such trauma. I signed divorce papers in March already, its December now; he is fighting for a DSTV decoder and DVD player. I’m left with all the unpaid bills; I’m left with a bad name at the credit bureau; he walks away happy with citizenship and no debt he walks away content that he destroyed my life my name and my family.
This said statement does not entail fully was I was subjected too, as most of it is very painful to even recall, hence I decided to selectively delete that part of my life.