Small house, big deal!

Small house, big deal! By Fungai Machirori The name might not quite explain it. After all, most things with the word ‘small’ in front of them aren’t often big issues. But when anyone, particularly women, hear the words, “small house”, they are often filled with some sort of negative emotion. Some people laugh and make light of the matter as if it ought to be acknowledged as a normal part of every man’s life. Men have a need for sexual diversity, so the thinking goes. But I question what kind of a society we would like to build out of such a culture. For those who might not know, ‘small house’ is the common terminology used to describe the partner which a man keeps as part of an extra-marital affair. In other words, a small house is a form of multiple concurrent partnership (MCP), a key driver of the HIV epidemic in southern Africa. This small house might be publicly acknowledged, or kept hidden from sight of the man’s wife. All the same, this common male practice of keeping multiple sexual partners has brought tears and grief to many a woman. I remember how a young woman, just ten months into her marriage, discovered that her new husband was keeping a small house. The woman he had always reassured his wife only rented his apartment turned out to actually be a small house he was putting up in the flat. So when the wife visited the flat on a surprise maintenance visit, one day, she was completely shocked to find her husband there, enjoying a cosy lunch with this other woman. After all, he had told her that he was off to another town for business when he had left home the previous morning. Mentally, she added up all the equations that hadn’t previously balanced and realised that that very place was probably where her husband always disappeared to when his friends could not account for his absence. And upon asking to see lease agreements and other such documents, her worst fears were realised. There was not a single supporting document to exonerate him. This other woman was living rent-free and benefiting from the spoils of the couple’s new marriage. The repercussions were dire. The young wife spiralled into a deep depression and anger, and miscarried her first child. A divorce soon followed and she returned to her family home at just 27. And two years on, she is still as bitter and resentful as she was back then. Small houses are a big deal. The whole practice makes a mockery of other women, and gives men the freedom to practice promiscuity. The saddest part of it all is that women themselves accept it and excuse men for it by saying that they just can’t control themselves when they see an attractive woman, or that women nag men to the point that they are forced to go out into the world and look for someone to relieve their stress. But does anyone ever really consider how hurtful and degrading this all is for women? One man I know explained to me why he cheated on his wife using the following imagery: “Sex with my wife is like eating sadza and vegetables all the time,” he remarked. “Sometimes, I need to try meat and chicken to spice things up.” I doubt that his wife would appreciate their love life being compared to a plate of food. HIV is real. One false step can have serious implications for all involved. If a small house has her own other partner, who has his own partner, the web of sexual transactions just becomes wider and more complex. And it somehow always seems to be the innocent parties like unborn children or faithful partners who pay the ultimate price. Men, please try to challenge the popular belief that promiscuity is okay. Think about how this message is filtering down to the young boys who are in desperate need of positive and uplifiting role models. Think about how your current actions can contribute towards building and preserving an HIV-free generation. Women, consider what examples you set for your daughters and sisters when you accept the role of small house, or turn a blind eye to your husband’s philandering. You do nothing to empower them when you accept patriarchy for the wrong ideas that it tends to peddle. With love, no one should ever settle for anything less than 100% commitment and honesty. It can never possibly be real love if either of these important ingredients is given in lesser measure.